Usually I’ll be desperate to go back to classes. My dad his wife and kids always leave the country for Christmas and New Years while I stay home with my older brother. Leaving me with absolutely nothing to do. But I don’t want to go back, all I’ll be going back for is 1-2 hrs of each class with a schedule of 4-7 classes. It keeps me busy, but also stresses me out. Well how about…Friends?
Those who have friends out here are because they known them for years… maybe since middle school. I have no friends. Matter of fact, I don’t want any friends. Because personally, the real friends are already taken by other real friends. It’s hard to trust anyone. You can get to know them for months, maybe even a couple yrs and you will never know who they truly are. When I come to think about it, I’ve had ONE..maybe 2 real friends in my whole 19 yrs of living. I find it ironic actually, because in my last yr of middle school I was voted the most popular .. Meaning I would be the one to be surrounded by the most ‘friends’. But I never really considered anyone with that title. Maybe I lost a couple because I didn’t put much of my part ..
Like when I was in the third grade, in the USA, I met this girl named, Tiara Evans. She was the first person I ever talked to outside my home at that time. She stayed by my side in the line, in class, in lunch and in recess. She would help me do my work since I didn’t know English. Not that she knew Spanish but she would try. She was genuine. Who isn’t at 8 yrs old? Thing is, yrs later she was my neighbor. My parents got a house in front of hers, and it wasn’t until we moved to different high schools where I stopped talking to her as much. She would try, but I wouldn’t show interest. Now that I’m grown, I come to find out that for the lack of realization that I always had someone there for me since a young age, I lost her. I lost a true friendship. I eventually moved to her high school, but not to be with her but to be with the other ‘friends’ that never did much for me. I still talked to her, but not like I feel I should have. If only I could go back in time…
The friend I ended up with, Kim Delacruz, I also met her in the 3rd grade. Difference with her was that she was kind of forced to talk to..no..FOR me. The principal brought her to my class so she could translate what I wanted for lunch. It wasn’t until 5th grade in middle school where we had the same home room teacher and we would reminisce on those elementary times. We eventually became the ‘best of friends’. We had everything in common, we were both Spanish, we liked the same music, the same type of guys, our parents could talk to each other due to the fact my parents didn’t know English only Spanish and so did hers. We became inseparable even when we went to different high schools. Out of the hundreds of people I met in my 12 yrs in the USA, when I moved back to Honduras, the only person I kept the most in touch with, not counting the ex that gave me 4 yrs of his time, was Kim. I can proudly say she is my one and only true friend whom I never came across with ‘she said this’ bs.
Maybe that’s why going back to classes now, whether it’s in high school or college, isn’t as fun to me. I used to look forward to going back not only because I do love school and learning, but because I used to love going knowing there was someone in that place who will always be there for me. Whether we talked that day or not. Her presence in that place for whatever weird reason gave me protection or maybe that’s not the word, but it made me feel less; lonely.
Not that I like being home neither, but there’s nothing more I hate than walking with people I don’t have much in common with. Or walking alone in a place I have 5 yrs left to be in.
Maybe is the fact that it doesn’t feel like home to me yet. Or that I don’t want it to feel like home. Or maybe…I’m just afraid to make friends here because it’ll eventually feel like home.
Because I always thought that it’s best to be alone than badly accompanied.